A member who is sober in the 12-Step fellowship for many years, writes to a fellow struggler:
I am not the guy who will tell you that you need to go to meetings. I am not the one who would say, “if you aren’t trying to get better the same way I got better, then there’s no hope for you.” If I did that or even believed that, I believe that I’d lose my sobriety pretty soon. The judgmentalism and hubris of the ‘one-way (my way) approach’ is too much for me to handle.
Instead, all I can share with you is my own experience and leave it at that. You will take it or leave it. I’m sharing out of love and hope that maybe what I received has value you for you too.
I think the real question you have to ask yourself is – are you ready for change?
And I don’t mean – are you ready to change yourself?
I don’t mean – are you ready to start ‘behaving yourself‘?
I also don’t mean – are you ready to quit for good?
I’m just asking, “are you ready for change?”
The word ‘change‘ is a noun, not a verb.
Till now, I am pretty sure you have used all the wits you have to change yourself. To try holding on to the porn while somehow controlling it enough to still be the good man you really are…
But apparently, you had no more success than I did! That’s why I can say I love you. We are so similar already.
Long before I was caught by my wife I had moments when I was completely committed to change my behavior, though I had no clue how to do it.
My (unexpected) reaction to those moments was: absolute terror.
For example, I remember once, when I made up my mind not to never use porn again after losing a close friend in a car accident, I felt so good about my decision, so hopeful. But moments later, the fate of having a lifetime without porn ever again gripped me with terror (which proves that I was really sincere). I felt frantic. I couldn’t take it. The familiar warm, sweet and comforting feeling of porn and masturbation, was more than I could actually face really giving up.
Sad, but 100% true.
It still took me about one more year to finally get into recovery.
Years later, in recovery, I came to see and admit that porn had actually become my very best friend in the entire world. Kind of like how a sailor is married to the sea.
Unfortunately for me, I had picked a very bad best friend.
Porn is very, very mean. I think it is even meaner than heroin and alcohol.
It nearly ruined my marriage, my life, and my sanity – because I sacrificed all these things on the altar of ‘getting’ what porn seemed to offer. Not at all because I was a bad guy – on the contrary, I was always a nice man. But I obviously truly believed that I needed it like other people need air.
Do you feel the same?
Are you dependent on porn? Do you consistently turn to porn when you feel needy? Or do you just consider it a bad habit that you’ve got to ‘shake’ by trying harder?
You need to figure this out for yourself by being honest with yourself.
If I wasn’t honest with myself I would never have come to the 12-Step program, and I doubt I would have moved forward, because I was really stuck.
If you think you are like me, I would love to meet you at our groups.
Consider this a personal invitation.
I would love to see together with you the change that will take place.