I was a shy kid, the type that froze up when called on by a teacher, and sat at the lunch table silently, wishing I could join the banter. Early in my teenage years, I was playing a game on the family computer, when I stumbled across a porn site. something called a chatroom. I had never heard of a chatroom before, but I quickly discovered that in this anonymous environment, I could escape my self-conscious self and roleplay the person I couldn’t be in real life: cool, macho, interesting.
On the outside I looked like a normal guy – married, job, kids. The truth was though, that I was watching as much porn as I could – to remain comfortable, while doing all those “real life” things. Not that I was really seeing it that way. My attitude was that I was preoccupied with trying to stop!! Ha.
I knew that life was not supposed to be this way, but I always seemed to fall into trouble and act on my compulsions. I had a whole double life and I was tortured inside.
Being sober for over a year, I’d like to write about what it was like for me, what my year looked like, and how things are now.
I thought I had hit bottom so many times. At every point of my life I never thought it could get worse, but then it did…
At age 9 I was being contacted by and contacting older men on a children’s game site. I had no idea what I was doing, I just kept doing it.
I am a 27-year-old clinical researcher and aspiring medical doctor who has been battling addiction to pornography and its associated behaviors for many years. I went to public schools, played high school football, ice hockey and rugby in college. I appeared to be a sociable, happy, intelligent and capable young man. But under the surface, from age 12, I was slowly falling deeper into behaviors that I knew to be anti-social and I grew increasingly ashamed of these hidden behaviors. Read more
I recently celebrated a year of sobriety, which gave me a chance to look back and see that I really have made some progress.
I have actually been on the road to recovery for about three years. I started as an active member on a recovery forum. That helped but, for me, it wasn’t enough.
Then I joined a 12-step phone conference. That helped a lot more, but I fell after a seven-month clean streak, twice. I realized the long-distance support wasn’t strong enough for me. I needed face-to-face support, so I joined a live 12-step meeting just over a year ago.
I wish I were younger. I’ll give you a hint to how old I am. I was alive when Nikita Khrushchev was banging his shoe on the table at the UN. If I were a young guy and starting recovery, I would have many more years of good living ahead of me. Instead, I have made life very hard for myself and my family. Yes, I do have a wife and a bunch of kids, but you can imagine what kind of husband and father I have been. When I was forced to confess everything to my wife almost 2 years ago, I thought she would leave me. Instead she said “Why didn’t you tell me before? I could have helped you”. Read more
I discovered porn at the age of 10, when my friend Josh’s uncle bought him an iPod Touch for a Birthday present. I wish he had bought Josh a bicycle. Or a fish tank.
I had an impressive music collection at home, and Josh asked me to load some songs onto his new iPod. Inquisitive adolescent that I was, I quickly realized that the device had Internet connectivity, and I wasted no time in punching in words I knew little about, just enough to be curious about what they were. Read more
Ever since I can remember, I have always been obsessed with desire for women. Gradually, I got involved with porn on the internet. I didn’t see it as a problem, I just thought that I was having fun, doing what everybody else was doing. It continued and deteriorated as I got older and even after I got married.
But there was always this inner pain after each session of porn use. Once I’d finished, I would get angry with myself for doing it. I was ashamed – for cheating on my wife, and for myself.
I first started recovery when I was busted by my wife. I had been hooked on porn for more than 20 years. That first night after I was busted, I went to sleep knowing I was in big trouble. While lying in bed, I felt a great dread that there was absolutely no escape because I knew I couldn’t stop. I felt a deep fear. This was my rock bottom. Read more